Saturday, October 29, 2011

Getting back to the basics.

I don't know why it took me THIS long to respect Daddy. It shouldn't have. I have no excuses, but I do have several thoughts about this. I think there was something about finding my dominant side. I think I needed to explore that side of me, and it just felt awkward trying to balance the two. It seems like over night I became a bottom and lost all things slave and submissive in myself. Could be that I had never dealt with bottled up emotions that Daddy allowed to be freed. It really could be anything. What matters is that I lost it, and I've been treating Daddy like shit for the past year, maybe a little longer.

I'm not sure what happened in recent events that really triggered something in me to change. It could be that I realized that I was only trying to change Joell into my Dad because I have "daddy issues". It could be the words "You're only submissive when it's easy or convient for you." that really hit home for me. It could be the fact that even after I have done everything I have done, and even though I have torn-up his house and got in his face, and he said for a fifth time that he was absolutely done with me.... even after all that he is giving me yet another chance.

I have put this man throw the ringer. I have done so much shit to him. I have got in his face. I have punched him. I have bloodied his lip. I have punched him in his own house in-front of 50 or so of our friends. I have busted in on him and a date and called her a piece of ugly trash. I've chased away several of his relationships. I have made him lose money. I've fucked up a car of his. I have done everything but kill him. (Wow, I can't believe I'm admitting all of this)

And here he is... giving me another fucking chance. As if I even deserve that! I have been SO horrible to him when I shouldn't have been. He in no way deserved any of that.

It's stupid but all this time I know this was all my way of putting him through test after test. This was my way of putting a wall up because I was afraid of him leaving me first. Because that's all everyone in my life has ever done! They have left me when things got too hard. The people I was suppose to trust growing up hurt me.

I grew-up a robot, emotionless. I didn't want to feel so I numbed out. Joell came into my life at my lowest and saw some kind of potential in me when no one else did. Joell let me be myself. Joell allowed me to feel again. Joell allowed me to be ME.

So, all of these things have finally come into place for me. So, what does it have to do with my submission? Well, now that all of these realizations and all this growth is figured out, and I'm finding ways to deal... Now that it's out of the way... I'm ready to be his submissive. I'm ready to show him respect and devotion. He has more than earned that. I can only hope that I can show him I'm worthy of his ownership that I one day hope to gain.

Recently, aside from the few days I was sick and bitchy, I started being submissive toward Daddy. Honest-to -goodness submission. No pretend play-time, no fantasy-novel bullshit. I have bit my tongue, when at times I would normally rant, rave, bitch or protest. I have been ending every statement or question with Daddy or Sir and correcting myself when I didn't. Then apologizing. It is all genuine and things I am doing on my own. I wait and kneel by his chair when I'm waiting to speak to him. I am quiet and do not disturb him. I am listening to what he says and apologize for hesitating. I have expressed thankfulness and gratitude when he has rewarded me or acknowledged my good behavior.

I know these are things he wants because he has always asked for them, and I have always just been defiant and said no. I know these are things he wants because of the rewards I've been receiving. I am doing this. This is what I want. I am not allowing myself to fuck it up anymore.